TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, REVENUE, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Revenue, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Personnel Satirist | SpinTaxi Journal | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it could include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker entry. That's the vision driving Trump Tower Damascus, the most up-to-date geopolitical development-slash-luxury real-estate calamity launched by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and the very least-sued architects.


Sure, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Picture catalogs has now established his eye on the center East. Rather than the standard Dubai skyline filler possibly-no, we're talking Damascus, town Traditionally noted for ancient tradition, lethal proxy wars, and now… infinity pools with sights of contested airspace.


"It'll be incredible. Incredible!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom contact, streamed with the Placing eco-friendly inside Mar-a-Lago's Situation Bunker. "We have experienced beautiful ceasefires in Syria. A lot of the very best. But now, we are constructing them with balconies."



Welcome to the Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-Tale gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus similar to a shaved alpaca within a falafel stand-bewildered, majestic, and fully outside of spot. Built by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower attributes:




  • A a few-flooring On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Pleased Hour right until the drone flies")




  • And also a nine/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officials politely described as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed mixed reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, a local textile service provider, sighed, "We waited 10 decades for potable drinking water. But Sure, positive, let us have One more spot exactly where American men can have on robes and phone it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes healing." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains plus a pillow menu, certainly."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign coverage analysts are contacting this one of the most audacious peace endeavor given that Kissinger unintentionally joined a rave in Cyprus. While preceding negotiations unsuccessful less than the burden of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's strategy is simpler: provide Every person a suite within the 72nd floor and comp their mojitos.


In accordance with paperwork revealed on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal involves "luxury diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration involving rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, finish with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This is soft electricity," stated political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian Television set, wielding a agreement as well as a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO doesn't. Geopolitical gridlock demands fewer diplomats and a lot more minibar upgrades."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, largely into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Just about every device. The UN Specific Rapporteur for Conflict of Desire mentioned, "It's not that Trump should not open a tower within a war zone. It's that he really should end applying it to lease ballroom House to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when asked with regard to the undertaking, replied, "You are aware of, male, I after rode a camel in Beirut. Excellent persons. Terrific tan. Anyway, do I still have that ice cream?"


Meanwhile, The Hague has reserved a set for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has officially referred on the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Factory from the Levant."



Satellite Photos Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit unveiled that the hotel's landscaping kinds a giant Trump head seen from Place, a feature becoming promoted as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is constructed from refugee tents as well as chin is… effectively, labeled.


Environmental teams have filed lawsuits after finding the developing's gold plating reflected a great deal daylight it spontaneously blinded three migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.


"It is really not just unappealing. It's a war crime with curtains," stated Amnesty Global's regional director.



The Melania Wing and various Puzzling Functions


Perhaps the strangest element in the tower is its Melania Wing, which includes:




  • A silent atrium wherever guests could ponder imprecise disappointment




  • A replica of her Slovenian bedroom, finish with local weather Command set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not care, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic Exhibit.




Community Syrians are Doubtful what to generate of this. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-year-outdated Ahmad, pointing to the holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Marketing Tactic: "Should you Bomb It, They Will Arrive"


The ad marketing campaign, just lately leaked by using the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One particular poster reads:


"Peace is Non permanent. Luxury is Endlessly."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso shops:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to Notice."


General public reception is wildly divided. A the latest SnapPoll performed inside a hookah lounge exhibits:




  • 34% say "it'd stabilize the world"




  • 29% say "this tends to escalate regional kitsch"




  • 18% reported "wherever's the nearest elevator towards the West Bank?"





Trader Praise: "Ultimately, a Crisis That Pays"


The task is previously attracting consideration from international traders, like:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights like a overseas minister




  • Trump Tower Damascus

    The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who claimed he'll purchase 3 penthouses "simply to flex on Hezbollah."




In keeping with a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial stage will likely contain:




  • A Greenback Retail outlet of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Concept Park Named 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Home According to the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


On the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the revealing, consumer @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Are unable to hold out to view a wedding in the midst of a ceasefire. Hope they throw grenades rather than rice."


Person @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Eventually, a resort exactly where my PTSD can have transform-down services."


A different publish from @KuwaitiKardashian simply just asked:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officers be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Property Arms Race." Reviews recommend:




  • China might open the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is setting up a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly presented to make a Tesla showroom around the Golan Heights powered by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. As outlined by https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but provided that he can rename the highest floor "The Holy See-Stage Suite."



Closing Views in the Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


Inside of a closing ceremony that involved three camels, a flamethrower, and a hologram of Reagan supplying a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus essential hope. It necessary gold. It essential a waterslide shaped such as the Structure. I gave it all 3. You happen to be welcome."

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